Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Music Wednesday

To continue the trend of sexy music I will share with you some Caribbean songs that get the waistline moving. All old favorites, mostly slow dance songs dripping with memories of deep dark corners at house parties and village clubs. Hope you enjoy!

1. Beres Hammod.- No Disturb sign.

Quintessential sexy song, a must play at all Valnetines Day Dances and on all Love Monday request lines

 

2. Burning Flames – Workey

As soon as the opening notes to this song are played Antiguans worldwide start to wine. It may be our 2nd national anthem ūüôā

 

3. Crossfyah- Wet Me

I’m in a party mood, man I behaving rude!

 

4. Healing- Lady Saw and Beenie Man

High school garage parties say what! Daddy used to be at the gate for me at midnight on the dot, along with lots of other parents back in the day. Ahh the 90’s ūüôā

 

5. Degree- Hold you Tonight

Antiguan men aren’t big winers – gangstas don’t dance- so this was mostly us girls screwface winin’ up ourselves.

 

6. Tanya Stephens – Big Ninja Bike

This list would not be complete without Tanya. Big Ninja Bike me say

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(s)ex & other things you shouldn’t be doing….

i have been unforgivably MIA. my apologies fyah stirring family, but school has been kicking my ass so hard i haven’t even had time to remember i’ve been forgetting to post.

i am not going to explain the title of this post, why i thought it was appropriate, or my feelings on any of the songs in here. you’re just going to listen, think about some bad choices you’ve made in the past and will make at some point in the future, and evaluate your life – not mine :).

1. Usher – That’s What It’s Made For

2. Miguel – Quickie

3. Mos Def & The Isley Brothers – Beauty in the Dark (Groove Wit You)

4. Mos Def – The Panties

Happy mid week point!

eating… men who don’t

Oral sex within heterosexual relationships to be specific. I’m talking to a friend who discloses that he doesn’t give head. I was surprised, but not that surprised.¬†Every time I “discover” another¬†man who doesn’t I’m reminded of that Chris Rock joke. Even though he directs it towards women I can relate to the bafflement.

I remember this joke purely b/c of the line singular line, “they still make you?”¬† I’m all about doing what you want to do and not doing what you don’t want to do when it comes to sex. So to each their own. That said, nothing hurts my heart more than men who don’t give head but want, ask, accept or expect head from their partners. Where is the reciprocity?* Where oh where?

They usually say things like:

  • she didn’t ask
    • This for me is usually a sign you haven’t/ don’t usually talk to your partners much about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, how it feels etc. Not a good indicator. Now if its’ a fly by / once in awhile I’ll give you a pass, but you can’t be dey wid somebody in a real way and it never came up. And since when is the onus on someone to ask? What happened to the chivalrious offer? Especially if she offers. Shameless men. Shameless.
    • Not all womyn out there have that Tanya Stephens, Lady Saw know-how to command the situation and say what they want. That silence around the issue, that uneveness in the exchange is likely to already make it more difficult for women to speak up, especially in the heat of the moment. Make yourself vulnerable nuh, have a conversation.
  • I’m sure I’m no good at it
    • Really now? Have you tried? Many of you have schooled many a young woman into technique I’m sure. You told her to hold back on the teeth, hum a little, keep it slobbery.¬†Are¬†you not invested in also learning? Getting some corrective feedback? Are we the only ones to be taught? Ahh the¬†condescension.
  • I tried it once it’s not for me.
    • Again, I’m all about doing only what you want to do. But if you’re the woman #2 Chris Rock describes giving just enough to shut up. Way to make your partner feel great about her body… which leads us to
  • down there?
    • the perplexion men like to express about the vagina. The vagina they have no problem beating out, banging and all sorts of other terms that insist that a woman’s body and sexual organs should be controlled, tamed because it needs order to tame its wildness. Yeah… do some work my friend #misogynyisreal
  • me a bad man
    • Please don’t quote Capleton, Sizzla, or some obscure unreferenced Biblical verse. Very few of you are spiritual pillars of faith I’m certain.
    • And gangsta what… not buying it

So again, I’m not hating on men who don’t or women who don’t ask men to. What I am hating on is the absolute lack of conversation around it in many circumstances. The silence is deafening.

  • Womyn I implore you to ask if you want it, it’ll tell you a lot about the person you’re sleeping with. Men, I implore you to bring up the topic.

You two should be talking about what you like and don’t like in general… and once you’re in it, what you liked an didn’t like… Sex should be fun, surprise can be exciting but having confidence in your acts, in your sexy is largely built on not just knowing, but talking to you partner. As always, in a push for safer sex practices. Dental dam it up people. ūüôā

* I love Lauryn Hill for teaching me this word.

Fyah Friday

1. Violence is a major issue in our lives. ¬†We are aware of violence against women because of the undeniable systemic and historical¬†beliefs¬†that cause men and women to believe that violence and abusive interactions and relationships are a normal part of life, the violence and abuse most often being inflicted upon the woman as and ‘weaker sex’

I recently have been thinking about this in the context of the predominantly mutually violent relationships that I hear about from peers and clients and peeps I interact with and it really troubles me.   I am still not sure about how I feel about this issue, what do you all think? 

2. In the 90’s I wanted to be Lauryn Hill. Songs like manifest, ex-factor, Selah spoke to my¬†teen-aged¬†self and I felt her humanity, her love, her dopeness and it was love at first sight. Things changed sharply a while ago and I have relished in her moments of clarity (remember So High??) and have hoped that things would turn around. Sigh. Sister Lauryn is going through some things. One can only assume mental health implications, bad business management, roller coaster relationships, weight-of -the-world expectitions and I am sure you can list others. I hope she get’s what she needs and can live comfortably with her family after she sorts out these legal issues.

3. Addfyahandstir is in full support of our brothers and sisters at the Grenada Goat Dairy Farm. Why yes I DO BELIEVE in a healthy life. In a healthy planet. That ALL children and families should have the opportunity to grow and eat healthy, nutritious organic food for their own use and for our local markets. I also have a feeling many of our fyah stirrers feel the same way. Make a donation! spread the word! We can do it! Kickstarter projects can be pretty awesome.

Have a great weekend!

I’ll be on your side forever more

My father once pointed out to me that my sister and I have managed over the years to maintain several lasting friendships. He implied that we have had the same friends over the last ten years, but I would say more precisely (for me at least), I have always managed to have a close circle of friends at whatever stage of life I was in.

I had my high school friends. We were similar in who knows what but we had lots of fun. We were considered nerdy primarily b/c we’d come from private primary schools, spoke proper English most of the time and did well in school. I’m not sure I would have survived without them. We ate Klondike bars and Cheetos and decided MSG was our friend. We had mock queen shows on our¬†verandas, we¬†lips synced¬†to boy bands, created dance routines, and moved from house to house planning various escapades. It doesn’t sound like much not but at the time it was delightful!

My university friends were by default other people Caribbean transplants. Very few of us were in the same programme or had overlapping classes. But we went to Caribbean Student Organisation + Buzz parties and wined from beginning to end, we played board games and cooked and ate food.

With my post-university Canada friends I went to book readings, poetry events, pride parties, I cooked, I ate… there were very adult dinner parties and very not-so-adult games nights. When I returned to the Caribbean, my work friends and I went to dinner, party cruises, regular parties and savannah limes.

I’ve had wonderful friends in my life and I’ve said all this to say, friendships take work. I wouldn’t always say hard work but they do require effort, at least my more meaningful ones have. I recommend being a good friend, but being a better one to yourself, reciprocity is key.* There must be balance, it’s not always possible depending on our situations but in the long run there must be. So continue to¬†be a good friend this week:

make a phone call
write an email
send a package or card in the mail
tag someone in a facebook note
instant message 
have a Skype check-in

Thank you to all my wontabular ¬†friends- past, present and future! ūüôā

… the art of giving, loving, caring and sharing!

*another post on finding that balance to come

justice, rape and sexual violence

Trigger warning: This article or section, or pages it links to, contain information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Disclaimer

  • I have written about rape and sexual violence.
  • I have read a lot about rape and sexual violence.
  • I have thought a lot about rape and sexual violence.
  • I support a lot of initiatives regionally that deal with rape and sexual violence.
  • I have said no and it’s been ignored.
  • I have said no and it’s been accepted with grace.
  • I have said no and it’s been accepted and I’ve been made to feel shitty about it.
  • My politics are unapologetically¬†feminist. I think rape is violent and often inextricably linked to masculinist notions of power and entitlement. Victims and survivors of rape (who are predominantly women) are never to blame.
  • I believe that regret regarding a sexual encounter and not wanting it to happen at the time (regardless of whether it is conveyed in ways a partner thinks are “strong enough”) are two¬†very¬†different things. The first indicates a conscious decision to have sex at the time, the second does not.

Today however, my reaction to hearing of a case (of which I know no details) where a man was sentenced to ten years for rape threw me for a loop. I was genuinely shocked at the length of the sentence. Well firstly, I was surprised that the case went to trial, and was successful, without it being a statutory rape case. But secondly, and almost frighteningly and shockingly, I thought: 10 years is too long.

What my reaction made me realise is that I have never really thought about punishment
and consequences surrounding rape and sexual violence. Most of my work has been on the prevention tip. With inspirations like Yes Means Yes I have more readily focused on sexuality, negotiating sexual relationships and teen romance to talk about sexual violence.

Upon further reflection though, my issue is not so much around the sentence itself, or sexual violence but my complete and utter lack of faith in the prison system. For anyone who knows me and my future this is pretty ironic. But I believe Angela Davis has the right idea, prisons need to be abolished. The length of the sentence is not a deterrent and I think in the long run it actually breeds contempt in the individual and the wider community.

Rape and sexual violence are not victim-less crimes but I think we need to think more explicitly about what we would like to see that will make things better.¬†I believe in the possibilities of¬†trans-formative¬†justice. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope one day to be a part of making that shift. So regardless of a conviction, i.e. once a charge is brought, fully off the top of my head I would like to see:

for survivors of sexual violence:

  • praise for coming forward
  • counselling re:
    • (re)building intimacy and trust
    • dealing: with community backlash and negative emotions

for perpetrators of sexual violence

  • counselling re:
    • power, coercion and entitlement
    • negative emotions
  • psycho-education models re: enthusiastic consent

Longer periods in jail do not increase chances of rehabilitation. In the Caribbean as our crime rates continue to rise, and our prisons begin to fill to the brim we need to think more comprehensively about the long term effects of these measures on our communities. As a future mental health professional, I know there are possibilities, I certainly recognise the need. But without a doubt, we need to be more supportive (for the survivors) and creative (for both the survivors and the perpetrators) when it comes to justice.

#3 f’d up people you admire- personal, regional & iconic

Our 3rd installation of the f’d up series features our sensational 6

sharing¬†3 people they think are pretty f’d up:

who they are + how/where we met + how they’re f’d up + links to the original video + links to their works around

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