Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

eating… men who don’t

Oral sex within heterosexual relationships to be specific. I’m talking to a friend who discloses that he doesn’t give head. I was surprised, but not that surprised. Every time I “discover” another man who doesn’t I’m reminded of that Chris Rock joke. Even though he directs it towards women I can relate to the bafflement.

I remember this joke purely b/c of the line singular line, “they still make you?”  I’m all about doing what you want to do and not doing what you don’t want to do when it comes to sex. So to each their own. That said, nothing hurts my heart more than men who don’t give head but want, ask, accept or expect head from their partners. Where is the reciprocity?* Where oh where?

They usually say things like:

  • she didn’t ask
    • This for me is usually a sign you haven’t/ don’t usually talk to your partners much about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, how it feels etc. Not a good indicator. Now if its’ a fly by / once in awhile I’ll give you a pass, but you can’t be dey wid somebody in a real way and it never came up. And since when is the onus on someone to ask? What happened to the chivalrious offer? Especially if she offers. Shameless men. Shameless.
    • Not all womyn out there have that Tanya Stephens, Lady Saw know-how to command the situation and say what they want. That silence around the issue, that uneveness in the exchange is likely to already make it more difficult for women to speak up, especially in the heat of the moment. Make yourself vulnerable nuh, have a conversation.
  • I’m sure I’m no good at it
    • Really now? Have you tried? Many of you have schooled many a young woman into technique I’m sure. You told her to hold back on the teeth, hum a little, keep it slobbery. Are you not invested in also learning? Getting some corrective feedback? Are we the only ones to be taught? Ahh the condescension.
  • I tried it once it’s not for me.
    • Again, I’m all about doing only what you want to do. But if you’re the woman #2 Chris Rock describes giving just enough to shut up. Way to make your partner feel great about her body… which leads us to
  • down there?
    • the perplexion men like to express about the vagina. The vagina they have no problem beating out, banging and all sorts of other terms that insist that a woman’s body and sexual organs should be controlled, tamed because it needs order to tame its wildness. Yeah… do some work my friend #misogynyisreal
  • me a bad man
    • Please don’t quote Capleton, Sizzla, or some obscure unreferenced Biblical verse. Very few of you are spiritual pillars of faith I’m certain.
    • And gangsta what… not buying it

So again, I’m not hating on men who don’t or women who don’t ask men to. What I am hating on is the absolute lack of conversation around it in many circumstances. The silence is deafening.

  • Womyn I implore you to ask if you want it, it’ll tell you a lot about the person you’re sleeping with. Men, I implore you to bring up the topic.

You two should be talking about what you like and don’t like in general… and once you’re in it, what you liked an didn’t like… Sex should be fun, surprise can be exciting but having confidence in your acts, in your sexy is largely built on not just knowing, but talking to you partner. As always, in a push for safer sex practices. Dental dam it up people. 🙂

* I love Lauryn Hill for teaching me this word.

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Fyah Friday- Randoms

1. I totally had to draw for the kleenex while watching this one. Katy Perry sang a duet with super talented 11 year old Jodi DiPiazza. Jodi has autism and her excitement and joy touched me, I also loved that Katy sang along but surely let Jody shine.

2. We spoke about body image for our IWD post and we all acknowledge that we have insecurities about our physical appearance. This article made societal body pressure so much more sinister because they no longer only re-touch scars and fat, they take out expression lines and barely there under-arm folds in already super-skinny women. There is literally no way that a real woman can look like this, even with surgery in the case of the underarm folds. Sobering but sadly not even surprising. d

3. . This is an article about big penises. The writer shares her experiences and reflections on why big penises may not as great as they want us to believe. All that glistens and throbs  glitters isn’t gold people 🙂

makes the ppl cum together… :)

I swear, I didn’t mean for it to happen this way. Another late day. So here’s some music for your Thursday.

So Sunday I did a little cooking and for some reason I was feeling like listening to  some sexin’ tunes or as I like to call them ls- leg spreading music. I actually have a folder saved in “my music” as ls. So let’s take a peak. Try not to laugh at the selection, we all have our own motivations. A time, a place, a person, a moment…

This song makes me want to slow wine, maybe swing from a pole… something I may or may not have done before. 🙂

When people singing ls tunes are significantly younger than you, you’re getting old. I’m not feeling Miguel in any particular way, but quickies sure do serve a purpose.*

I don’t know anyone else who likes this song. I think it’s hilarious. Everyone tells me it’s not a love song. He’s only singing about his prowess. My response? Why the f$#% not? 🙂

N.B. I endorse none of these videos. I doubt I’ve watched all the way through any of them. I only chose videos in the event you also needed some visual stimulation.

What are some of your favourite ls tunes?

*you swear say my ls life real active

 

 

 

 

justice, rape and sexual violence

Trigger warning: This article or section, or pages it links to, contain information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Disclaimer

  • I have written about rape and sexual violence.
  • I have read a lot about rape and sexual violence.
  • I have thought a lot about rape and sexual violence.
  • I support a lot of initiatives regionally that deal with rape and sexual violence.
  • I have said no and it’s been ignored.
  • I have said no and it’s been accepted with grace.
  • I have said no and it’s been accepted and I’ve been made to feel shitty about it.
  • My politics are unapologetically feminist. I think rape is violent and often inextricably linked to masculinist notions of power and entitlement. Victims and survivors of rape (who are predominantly women) are never to blame.
  • I believe that regret regarding a sexual encounter and not wanting it to happen at the time (regardless of whether it is conveyed in ways a partner thinks are “strong enough”) are two very different things. The first indicates a conscious decision to have sex at the time, the second does not.

Today however, my reaction to hearing of a case (of which I know no details) where a man was sentenced to ten years for rape threw me for a loop. I was genuinely shocked at the length of the sentence. Well firstly, I was surprised that the case went to trial, and was successful, without it being a statutory rape case. But secondly, and almost frighteningly and shockingly, I thought: 10 years is too long.

What my reaction made me realise is that I have never really thought about punishment
and consequences surrounding rape and sexual violence. Most of my work has been on the prevention tip. With inspirations like Yes Means Yes I have more readily focused on sexuality, negotiating sexual relationships and teen romance to talk about sexual violence.

Upon further reflection though, my issue is not so much around the sentence itself, or sexual violence but my complete and utter lack of faith in the prison system. For anyone who knows me and my future this is pretty ironic. But I believe Angela Davis has the right idea, prisons need to be abolished. The length of the sentence is not a deterrent and I think in the long run it actually breeds contempt in the individual and the wider community.

Rape and sexual violence are not victim-less crimes but I think we need to think more explicitly about what we would like to see that will make things better. I believe in the possibilities of trans-formative justice. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope one day to be a part of making that shift. So regardless of a conviction, i.e. once a charge is brought, fully off the top of my head I would like to see:

for survivors of sexual violence:

  • praise for coming forward
  • counselling re:
    • (re)building intimacy and trust
    • dealing: with community backlash and negative emotions

for perpetrators of sexual violence

  • counselling re:
    • power, coercion and entitlement
    • negative emotions
  • psycho-education models re: enthusiastic consent

Longer periods in jail do not increase chances of rehabilitation. In the Caribbean as our crime rates continue to rise, and our prisons begin to fill to the brim we need to think more comprehensively about the long term effects of these measures on our communities. As a future mental health professional, I know there are possibilities, I certainly recognise the need. But without a doubt, we need to be more supportive (for the survivors) and creative (for both the survivors and the perpetrators) when it comes to justice.

fyah friday- busyness, shadeism & pap smears

I haven’t been around much this week owing to all the f’d up stuff going on over here.

That said my week has been hella busy which actually brings me to the first link. Granted dude is not the usual demographic re: people who get featured but it really spoke to me as I’ve been trying to be more mindful in what I do. The busy-ness that I experience, granted in spurts in fully self-imposed and maybe it’s just because something in this fast moving time we’re in makes me think that being still, reflective and taking my time isn’t good. 

“Notice it isn’t generally people pulling back-to-back shifts in the I.C.U. or commuting by bus to three minimum-wage jobs  who tell you how busy they are; what those people are is not busy but tired. Exhausted. Dead on their feet. It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.”

So I’ve been putting some final touches on a workshop I’ll be doing with a group of teens next month on body image and shadeism. There are  a lot of great resources out there for girls, and I would argue not enough for boys either with respect to their own body image. Also, I would say there is not enough about how our own gendered, media altered expectations influence how we view people of the opposite sex. I think this is a crucial part of equation especially when we think about reinforcing and policing that we engage in for ourselves and each other. If you haven’t already check out Shadeism, the documentary. I was in town today and saw a vendor selling a lightening soap, which she assured me was not for bleaching but getting rid of those  darker areas. She also let me know that most of her customers are young girls. What I think was more offputting for me was that I don’t think it was fully marketing, and the reach of “darker areas” is either not her concern or not something she had considered as a brown-skinned woman of African heritage.

I got a pap smear yesterday. When was your first one? Your last one? A couple years ago I went on a lime with some women in their mid 20s and was surprised to find out half of them had never had a 
pap smear. Get on it people. They say you only have to go every 3 years now, but recommend going to your gyno every year.  Find a doctor you’re comfortable with, ask questions- make them uncomfortable if you have to 🙂 even if you’re uncomfortable too. Those conversations may not transform your life but they’ll definitely make it easier if something serious does come up. Shout out to this doctor whose manner I really liked. In my life thus far I’ve had doctors I really liked who I found to be the great combination of pleasant and professional, for the rest of you doctors who can’t get it right, work on it, it makes a world of difference for your patients. Vaginas rock! 🙂 STI tests next week, who is with me?

Now I’m not a Fay-Ann fan in the slightest* but I heard this on the radio in the morning and was transported back to my carnival 2010!

* I never hear one person claim say people hate them so much.**

** Oh, I forgot Bunji :)***

*** I enjoy both of them on the stage (once they not talking about how much people hate them) and the radio, without the picong narrative it’s not so obvious how much hateration they feel they’re dealing with.

#3 f’d up people you admire- personal, regional & iconic

Our 3rd installation of the f’d up series features our sensational 6

sharing 3 people they think are pretty f’d up:

who they are + how/where we met + how they’re f’d up + links to the original video + links to their works around

#1 what do you think when you hear the f word?

The f word can mean a lot of things. For the right now we mean feminism.We asked six young women what they think when they hear the f word. Did/ do you think any of these things?

Be sure to check out their video clips (with transcriptions) below!

| it takes work… | independence & assertiveness | love & compassion |

| strength & revolution |

| development & respect | choices & possibility |

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