Posts tagged ‘choices’

In Complexity and Complicity

I watched the Melissa Harris Perry show  for the first this weekend, and I think I’m hooked.  #nerdland stand up!

On Saturday’s show, one of my feminist mentors  Joan Morgan and a few other panellists were talking about the 15th anniversary of the death of  the Notorious B.I.G  and hip hop culture in general and it was a amazing 20 minutes of television.  There were biggie quotes and music clips and a shout outs to female emcees and a discourse on hip hop that you would be hard pressed to find on any other mainstream show.

What really struck me was when Joan Morgan spoke of her relationship with hip hop being one of complexity and complicity. This was one of the clinchers in her 2000 book When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost. How can we be feminist when we sometimes *cringe* like/accept/promote the very things that we are seeking to challenge? It is present not only in music, but all over our culture and manifests through interpersonal relationships, cultural events (sigh, my beloved carnival) and socio-political life.

I was hoping that this discussion, among others that I have had or listened to, would have some magical answer for addressing this issue, something that I could add to my feminist care package to carry around along with my cell phone and keys and eloquently whip out when I am challenged by others and even by myself. Don’t know if that answer exists.

What I do get from these discussions is the dynamism of this cause we call social justice. We have lots of suggestions and ideas but cannot declare any as the way. We question and we analyse and we make choices individually and in our collectives that we hope to chip away at inequality and oppression. I also come away renewed that feminism actively engaging women and all marginalised groups in all our interconnectedness is the missing piece to the puzzle. Our voices, our action, our curiosity is critical to our survival as long we strive towards social justice.

Great Sex or a Great Meal?

This was the question of the day on clutch.com last week and it got me thinking.

Great sex or a good book?

Great sex or spending time with a close relative?

Great sex or a good movie?

Great sex or some quiet time to yourself?

According to TV and relationship blogs, if you are in a solid relationship, the sex is supposed to be great and it appears that you are supposed to enjoy that great sex as often as possible. We have all seen the pop culture scenes with two couples comparing the frequency of their sexcapades where one couple seems to always be DTF (down to fukc) and this makes the ‘once a week or so’ couple question their relationship.

I feel that everyone has their optimal level of sexual activity and this level probably changes depending on shit going on in their lives.  Not feeling well, tired, watching TV, reading  a book, got shit on my mind,  got work to do  and just don’t feel like should all be reasons for not wanting to get it in at any point in time. At the same time being tired or bored, inspired by a particular scene or situation in a book or movie may at another point in time call for some healing from your boo.

Are we comfortable in our relationships to share these thoughts with our partners? If you detect a change in your partners sex drive what would you think? Do you think there is an acceptable level of sexual activity in your relationship? Has this changed over time?

I hate to say it, really I do, but sex is often over-rated. Not that it isn’t enjoyable and can be special and exhilarating and relaxing and all the other fabulous adjectives you wanna insert here. But sex, great or not so great, can hold some mighty weighty expectations over our heads. While I do believe that sexual chemistry is a key ingredient to a good relationship, supposed god-forbid, you cannot have sex.  Illness, distance, busy schedules, many reasons may prevent that great sex from happening, what happens then?

I don’t think that if I decide to read a book, enjoy a good meal, chat on the phone with my brother or just cool and bubble by myself for an evening means that the sex isn’t great. I feel that a real relationship doesn’t need to prove itself all the time and sex often is a lone beacon in many a crappy ass relationship.

I would rather read a good book tonight, then  wake up to some great sex in the morning. Party with my sister friends this weekend and spend time with my guy during the week. Recognize that if you are in a happy and safe relationship, one that is vibrant and comfortingly predictable, there is no need to set up lose –lose situations where you need to choose between two of life’s joys. This may be one of those rare occasions where you can have your cake and eat it too, so cut a nice big slice and enjoy!.

delicious!!!

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