Posts tagged ‘consent’

Fyah Links Friday

I came across this post a few weeks ago and was smizing at it’s sincere frankness, I too am a big sister and can totally relate. The comments under the article though, you may need to take a seat, or ignore them like I always tell myself I should.



Just because she is so darn cute!!

DC, I see you! I think that some Caribbean islands are quite veggie friendly            ( more accurately pescatarain friendly) because of the influence of  Rastafari

A Womyn’s Guide to Straight Win’ing Culture (What I learned win’ing in an unnamed Caribbean Big Island) Part 1

Has it ever been so long since you’ve been to a party you think just maybe you have forgotten how to wine?

That was me on Thursday. I am thankful report that such is not my situation and I managed to leave the party just short of winin’ my life out. Another friend was not so lucky and will be having a funeral for his waist tomorrow.

Being out however reminded me of the dynamics of winin’ in this particular island. I present to you:

A Womyn’s Guide to Straight Win’ing Culture (What I learned win’ing in an unnamed Caribbean Big Island)  Part 1

  1. The driver must get a wine*

If you are female and presumed to be straight and a fella (presumed to be straight) picks you up or will be carrying you home you must wine with him regardless of whether you fall into either of these three categories prior to the ride: (1) you two are involved, (2) exploring being involved, (3) complete strangers.

It is essential that you know the essentials of the wine:

It can be initiated by either party- preferable if by the passenger but perfectly acceptable (and more common) by the driver especially in the event that the two of you are in fact strangers.

i.        The dance must last at least three (3) songs if not expect to be visited multiple times in the dance.

ii.        If the passenger did not initiate the first dance a second dance later in the night would be looked upon favourably- in this dance a bumsie wine (for one (1) song will suffice.

iii.        If the passenger does initiate the first dance a bumsie wine will not be adequate if she only wants to dance with the person once an ass-to-crotch position (in either direction) is required for most parties to be satisfied with the unspoken agreement.

iv.        Scandalous win’ing is almost always encouraged but not necessary; putting in good effort is encouraged if you plan on seeking future transportation arrangements with this person.

v.        If the person’s significant other is there playful win’ing is recommended: (i)bumsie, (ii)side grind, (iii)bending the fella over. Moving outside of this framework is advised only if the significant other is scandalously win’ing with other parties. Do not be confused by his encouragement of scandal; there is only one exception.

vi.        If you find yourself attracted to the driver and would like to indicate such moving outside of the three song wine would be the method. Be careful though- going past seven songs though a second seven song set at another interval in which you seek him out is useful.**

If you plan on seeking future transportation arrangements with this person. Gyal you can’t get away tonight.

NOTE: Please do not confuse a wine with affection. It is an obligation that most carry out gladly because they enjoy win’ing. If you previously expressed interest by win’ing see (1)(vii). I have given and been given the look of “I guess it’s about time to dance with person “x”” on people’s faces. People think they are rude if they don’t. Have no fear I completely see how wrong this is- look out for the full brief in part 2 but I wish I had known all of this ahead of time.
* Consider it payment for service. Yups that’s right our bodies are still very much for sale.

** Continuous lock down dancing is not advisable under any circumstance. You should take the break between intervals to wine (playfully) with other people if not playfully ensure the level of dance with the driver is clearly more intense even if it means a pendulum wine with the fillers.☺

make love not porn

make love not porn was talk given at TED by Cindy Gallop which spawned a website: She created it in response to the somewhat incredulous reactions of men that no, she did not want them to cum (ejaculate) on her face. Watch the talk, you will not regret it.

Even if you don’t watch it, she proposes that po

rnography often makes women and men alike assume that those cinematic sex acts are not only typical for everyone but more dangerously, desired and enjoyed by everyone. This can and often does translate to violence against women as their negotiating power is stolen and lost. Negotiating power is stolen and/or lost when

  1. Partners assume instead of ask
  2. Partners make them seem immature, childish or prudish when they don’t want to do something for the first time, second, third or thirtieth time
  3. Partners don’t have these conversations

Even with partners we have known for a long time, whose rhythms with which we are well familiar initiating this conversation can be challenging. But as a reminder, we have a we right and should encourage ourselves to create and take the opportunity to negotiate the kind of sex we want and are comfortable with; and this should be a constant conversation as our wants and comforts will often change with time and experience.

My challenge to all of us:

  1. Recognise the violence you may be perpetuating by assuming your partners does/should/will like something
  2. Try to initiate these difficult conversations and not just with your partner but with other people that you know

Honest conversation about sex with others may help you realise that your likes and dislikes aren’t that strange. So when Jay Electronica asks at his not concert, “how many women like to be choked during sex?”* and your honest answer at that time in your life is:

  • no- resist the group think/mob mentality to scream. There may be someone there trying /anxious about talking to his/her partner to say that’s not what s/he wants or likes and your dissent may just help her/him feel a little more comfortable doing that
  • yes- scream your head off, b/c there might be someone there who feels too perverted/freaky to request that of their partner

Whatever your honest answer is though I urge you to not judge the answers of others b/c to be truly honest with yourself comes hand in hand with accepting that not everything is for everyone always.


*in most recent performances Jay Electronica (rapper who has been around for awhile and who has also recently signed to Roc Label) asks this apparently as part of a running bet between him, Nas and his dj (TJ). Read here for a wonderfully feminist perspective which problematises how and why he does this  with which I agree or you can just watch the video and forget the article.

Tag Cloud