Oral sex within heterosexual relationships to be specific. I’m talking to a friend who discloses that he doesn’t give head. I was surprised, but not that surprised. Every time I “discover” another man who doesn’t I’m reminded of that Chris Rock joke. Even though he directs it towards women I can relate to the bafflement.
I remember this joke purely b/c of the line singular line, “they still make you?” I’m all about doing what you want to do and not doing what you don’t want to do when it comes to sex. So to each their own. That said, nothing hurts my heart more than men who don’t give head but want, ask, accept or expect head from their partners. Where is the reciprocity?* Where oh where?
They usually say things like:
- she didn’t ask
- This for me is usually a sign you haven’t/ don’t usually talk to your partners much about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, how it feels etc. Not a good indicator. Now if its’ a fly by / once in awhile I’ll give you a pass, but you can’t be dey wid somebody in a real way and it never came up. And since when is the onus on someone to ask? What happened to the chivalrious offer? Especially if she offers. Shameless men. Shameless.
- Not all womyn out there have that Tanya Stephens, Lady Saw know-how to command the situation and say what they want. That silence around the issue, that uneveness in the exchange is likely to already make it more difficult for women to speak up, especially in the heat of the moment. Make yourself vulnerable nuh, have a conversation.
- I’m sure I’m no good at it
- Really now? Have you tried? Many of you have schooled many a young woman into technique I’m sure. You told her to hold back on the teeth, hum a little, keep it slobbery. Are you not invested in also learning? Getting some corrective feedback? Are we the only ones to be taught? Ahh the condescension.
- I tried it once it’s not for me.
- Again, I’m all about doing only what you want to do. But if you’re the woman #2 Chris Rock describes giving just enough to shut up. Way to make your partner feel great about her body… which leads us to
- down there?
- the perplexion men like to express about the vagina. The vagina they have no problem beating out, banging and all sorts of other terms that insist that a woman’s body and sexual organs should be controlled, tamed because it needs order to tame its wildness. Yeah… do some work my friend #misogynyisreal
- me a bad man
- Please don’t quote Capleton, Sizzla, or some obscure unreferenced Biblical verse. Very few of you are spiritual pillars of faith I’m certain.
- And gangsta what… not buying it
So again, I’m not hating on men who don’t or women who don’t ask men to. What I am hating on is the absolute lack of conversation around it in many circumstances. The silence is deafening.
Womyn I implore you to ask if you want it, it’ll tell you a lot about the person you’re sleeping with. Men, I implore you to bring up the topic.
You two should be talking about what you like and don’t like in general… and once you’re in it, what you liked an didn’t like… Sex should be fun, surprise can be exciting but having confidence in your acts, in your sexy is largely built on not just knowing, but talking to you partner. As always, in a push for safer sex practices. Dental dam it up people. 🙂
* I love Lauryn Hill for teaching me this word.