Posts tagged ‘relationships’

Music Wednesday – Matey Edition

Matey being the opposite of Wifey. Outside or kept woman. Mistress. Part-time Lover.

Very controversial and emotional topic and I don’t think there is a person over 20 that doesn’t have a matey experience of some sort. However you feel about the issue, that discussion is for another day, today is for matey music.

Matey music is a genre all by itself. These songs are filled with emotion, reflection, turmoil and entertainment. What more can you ask for?

Here we go:

1. Tanya Stephens – It’s a Pity

I feel there is no explanation needed for this classic. Tanya deduces that when society becomes evolved enough she will be given permission to share this particular dude with his wifey. I dunno about all that, but love the song.

2. Whitney Houston – Saving all my love

RIP Whitney. I felt real hurt when I learned of Whitney’s passing. Her album You Give Good Love was the very first album I owned that wasn’t sang mostly by a cartoon character, so she has been on my playlist for over 20 years. This is a big big matey song that I only realised was a matey song only a few years ago. It speaks of the turmoil felt knowing that dude has his other life and trying to find the strength to ‘do the right thing’

3. Pussycat Dolls – Don’t cha

What can I say, I like the song. 🙂

4. Lady SawI’ve Got Your Man

Her business card promises Good Food. I love it! Interesting to note that Mama Saw lets wifey know that she intends to make dude her own man, may another promise of good food turn his eyes again? Circle of Life?

5. Tanya StephensTo the Rescue

Matey as community service. Who woulda thunk it?

I had soo much fun going through these songs. Part two will be the wifey responses, lol

Music Wednesday

These  three are my most played songs for for the last few weeks running( in that order too). I hope you enjoy as much as I have.  One just might actually be my new ringtone! 🙂

I highly recommend Stacy, awesome album overall but this song speaks to me in particular.

Do you want some money baby? How about some chicken wings?

The video isn’t my favorite, but yes Beyonce, I  do like to party! 

Fyah Links Friday

I came across this post a few weeks ago and was smizing at it’s sincere frankness, I too am a big sister and can totally relate. The comments under the article though, you may need to take a seat, or ignore them like I always tell myself I should.



Just because she is so darn cute!!

DC, I see you! I think that some Caribbean islands are quite veggie friendly            ( more accurately pescatarain friendly) because of the influence of  Rastafari

Great Sex or a Great Meal?

This was the question of the day on last week and it got me thinking.

Great sex or a good book?

Great sex or spending time with a close relative?

Great sex or a good movie?

Great sex or some quiet time to yourself?

According to TV and relationship blogs, if you are in a solid relationship, the sex is supposed to be great and it appears that you are supposed to enjoy that great sex as often as possible. We have all seen the pop culture scenes with two couples comparing the frequency of their sexcapades where one couple seems to always be DTF (down to fukc) and this makes the ‘once a week or so’ couple question their relationship.

I feel that everyone has their optimal level of sexual activity and this level probably changes depending on shit going on in their lives.  Not feeling well, tired, watching TV, reading  a book, got shit on my mind,  got work to do  and just don’t feel like should all be reasons for not wanting to get it in at any point in time. At the same time being tired or bored, inspired by a particular scene or situation in a book or movie may at another point in time call for some healing from your boo.

Are we comfortable in our relationships to share these thoughts with our partners? If you detect a change in your partners sex drive what would you think? Do you think there is an acceptable level of sexual activity in your relationship? Has this changed over time?

I hate to say it, really I do, but sex is often over-rated. Not that it isn’t enjoyable and can be special and exhilarating and relaxing and all the other fabulous adjectives you wanna insert here. But sex, great or not so great, can hold some mighty weighty expectations over our heads. While I do believe that sexual chemistry is a key ingredient to a good relationship, supposed god-forbid, you cannot have sex.  Illness, distance, busy schedules, many reasons may prevent that great sex from happening, what happens then?

I don’t think that if I decide to read a book, enjoy a good meal, chat on the phone with my brother or just cool and bubble by myself for an evening means that the sex isn’t great. I feel that a real relationship doesn’t need to prove itself all the time and sex often is a lone beacon in many a crappy ass relationship.

I would rather read a good book tonight, then  wake up to some great sex in the morning. Party with my sister friends this weekend and spend time with my guy during the week. Recognize that if you are in a happy and safe relationship, one that is vibrant and comfortingly predictable, there is no need to set up lose –lose situations where you need to choose between two of life’s joys. This may be one of those rare occasions where you can have your cake and eat it too, so cut a nice big slice and enjoy!.


Throwback… reasons not to drink

So late. I’ve had a rough week, still am not yet 100%.

In light of that I present a throwback.


reasons not to drink

Bear with me and theHIMYM references…The first time two characters who I liked individually kissed in HIMYM I thought, there’s another reason not to drink. What made the match so unappealing?
The basic answer: BARNEY! The number of STIs he must have acquired just by sheer numbers.  The only reason she could have possibly made that decision is because she was in a vulnerable position
1. her boyfriend just dumped her
2. she just realized that the man who dumped her is a loser
3. she was drunkNow I’m naturally vulnerable. Weak as can be. A big softy. Plushie. A push over when it comes to emotions, if you catch me in a weak spot I’m likely to make some foolish decisions another HIMYM reference-nothing good happens after 2am. Those files will however remain under lock and key. 🙂
If you don’t know me this may mean little to you, but if you do you might be thinking…. oh, so if I get her drunk she’ll pretty much do whatever I want. And you know you what, you’re probably pretty much right and that’s one of the many reasons I’m a teetotaler and try not to make decisions after 2am.:)

Wheat Crackers

I believe that people like what they like, there needn’t be a reason. Maturity and experience can sometimes curb an interest in a particular preference but unfortunately I cannot say that this has been the case for my romantic life.

Some of my friends say that I have a thing for a certain type of man. They use *very* misleading words like sly, dangerous, and rough where I would use words like interesting, courageous, focused and edgy. I have never been attracted to quiet or conservative men. I enjoy conversation, character and dynamism (think TJ Holmes and Stringer Bell from the Wire).

mmm mmm good


In all honesty, however, this dynamism and character hasn’t always served me well. I haven’t been in many relationships but I have had more than my share of talk show drama with these men. I have had many moments of reflection with alcohol my best girlfriends and on my own where I have pondered on why I let these things happen to me.

In one of those periods in between drama with one ex boyfriend or the other I decided that I would take responsibility. I decided that I needed to make up my mind to talk to a different kind of man. Maybe my friends where right, was I attracted to the wrong type of man? I decided it couldn’t hurt to test their theory.

My analogy was that I was literally hurting my heart with these men that didn’t act right. I needed to seek out more wholesome and heart healthy relations. I was gonna lay off the delicious but dangerous fried food men and get me a nice wheat crackers/carrot sticks man.

Nice? and Healthy

Wheat crackers man came in the form of a guy that I had a crush when I was a youngĂ­n. He was a few years older than me and I would sneak peeks at him when he was would walk past my house back in the old hood. I was definitely too shy and too young to talk to him back then but grown up Trendsettah decided to make a move.

He was game, maybe a little too game if I get really real. He was gung ho from real early, talking about future plans and trying to get all up in my space before I could really warm up to him. I had to give him a speech about calling me too often, showing up at my job, and generally crowding me. I called a conference with my girlfriends; I needed their counsel about whether I was being too hard on wheat crackers? Was I giving him a chance? Was I too jaded by too busy and sometimes unavailable men to not know what it was like to date someone who was attentive?

I decided to hold the faith, put some effort into getting to know him better. He was a really sweet man, with a loving generous spirit but he was just so predictable. I don’t want to say that he was boring I had to find to put in work to find something fascinating to talk about with him. He didn’t know my politics and that can cause some awkward moments but I was convinced that a grown ass man like him must have something interesting to talk about instead of trying waay too hard and saying all things he thought I wanted to hear.  Le Sigh.

The last straw came when (I think) he tried to make a move. We had been ‘talking’ for nearly 2 months and I had deftly resisted all physical contact outside of a hug. We had gone to a movie and afterwards he decided to make a detour to his house. This was a very bad idea on his behalf, with him already being on shaky ground, unilaterally deciding that I would want to go to his house at damn near midnight after the movies brought down the curtains on his little show. I really don’t care what his intentions were but I was not impressed. I refused to get out of the car until I was taken home and a few days later I told him that it would not work out. I just wasn’t interested.

coronary on a plate

Within a month after that I was back with ex boyfriend *sigh* *SIGH*

There are many ways I can look at this, maybe wheat crackers never stood a chance, maybe we weren’t compatible, maybe he was extremely boring, or maybe I needed to grow up, maybe.

This was a few years ago and I now feel that there is a happy medium, extremes have never been my thing and that episode made that clear to me. Dry wheat crackers are just as unappealing as deep fried fatty foods, and none of those choices would ever make me happy.

make love not porn

make love not porn was talk given at TED by Cindy Gallop which spawned a website: She created it in response to the somewhat incredulous reactions of men that no, she did not want them to cum (ejaculate) on her face. Watch the talk, you will not regret it.

Even if you don’t watch it, she proposes that po

rnography often makes women and men alike assume that those cinematic sex acts are not only typical for everyone but more dangerously, desired and enjoyed by everyone. This can and often does translate to violence against women as their negotiating power is stolen and lost. Negotiating power is stolen and/or lost when

  1. Partners assume instead of ask
  2. Partners make them seem immature, childish or prudish when they don’t want to do something for the first time, second, third or thirtieth time
  3. Partners don’t have these conversations

Even with partners we have known for a long time, whose rhythms with which we are well familiar initiating this conversation can be challenging. But as a reminder, we have a we right and should encourage ourselves to create and take the opportunity to negotiate the kind of sex we want and are comfortable with; and this should be a constant conversation as our wants and comforts will often change with time and experience.

My challenge to all of us:

  1. Recognise the violence you may be perpetuating by assuming your partners does/should/will like something
  2. Try to initiate these difficult conversations and not just with your partner but with other people that you know

Honest conversation about sex with others may help you realise that your likes and dislikes aren’t that strange. So when Jay Electronica asks at his not concert, “how many women like to be choked during sex?”* and your honest answer at that time in your life is:

  • no- resist the group think/mob mentality to scream. There may be someone there trying /anxious about talking to his/her partner to say that’s not what s/he wants or likes and your dissent may just help her/him feel a little more comfortable doing that
  • yes- scream your head off, b/c there might be someone there who feels too perverted/freaky to request that of their partner

Whatever your honest answer is though I urge you to not judge the answers of others b/c to be truly honest with yourself comes hand in hand with accepting that not everything is for everyone always.


*in most recent performances Jay Electronica (rapper who has been around for awhile and who has also recently signed to Roc Label) asks this apparently as part of a running bet between him, Nas and his dj (TJ). Read here for a wonderfully feminist perspective which problematises how and why he does this  with which I agree or you can just watch the video and forget the article.

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