Posts tagged ‘sex’

The Wickedest Time When the Rain Start Fall- Repost

orgasmThese lines are the one of the most memorable songs for dancehall heads. Mr Luxury by Ronnie Thwaitess a old school mix tape standard and details rainy weather as the perfect time for love making. Rainy season in the Caribbean will cause many government workers to skip work just to stay home and lay up with their partners. Trust me, I definitely enjoy some rainy weather lovin’, who can resist the urge to cuddle up when it’s cool outside and you can hear the rain fall all around you? Good times guaranteed 🙂

But I dare say that a rainy day isn’t the only prime time to get some. I wanna suggest a few other situations that cause for some extra good ‘good-good’

*AddFyahandStir strongly advocates safe sex as the only good sex. Know your status people!*

1) After the club sex.

Scene 1.

Sexy club music. Drinks. Wearing your freakum dress, the one that hugs just right, You and your partner in that corner of the club, grinding and rubbing. Your favorite music. A few more drinks. Time to go home. (Sometimes you don’t even wait to get home).

Scene 2

Drinks. Sexy club music. You connect eyes with a cutie that you have seen around the way. Why yes kind sir, I would love you if bought me and my girls a few drinks. Amaretto sour for me please. Dancing with your new friend, in a way that your girl friend needs to remind you that boo’s boy’s are in the club as well . oops teeheehee. It’s just a dance, and in any case previously mentioned girl friend needs to drop me off at boo’s house when we leave here. A few more drinks and I am ready to get out of here. When I get to boo’s house and he’s asleep, thers are sooo many fun ways to wake him up to let him know that I NEED his attention RIGHT NOW!!!

2) Almost getting caught sex.

Whether it’s by a sibling, a maid at a hotel, a valet at the club parking lot or a random stranger(the stories I could tell). The rush and range of emotions involved in almost getting caught with a leg over a shoulder, is pretty damn amazing.

At first it’s slight terror cus you aren’t sure who it is, then you have to rush to move away or cover up or something. Then once the crisis is averted it is friggin hilarious, you replay the situation in your head and cannot help but find great comedy in the fact that your lil sister almost walked in on you while she was trying to bring you some brownies. Writer’s note: always lock your front door, always. At this point all juices are flowing again and everyone should be ready to assume the position, or try a new one.

3) Just before I go to work sex

Whether it’s at 6:30 am after you just spent the night together or you are able to link up and connect just before you start your afternoon shift, this loving is great. There have been times when I am already dressed to go and I get distracted. Oh dear, now I (or we) have to go shower again and I am gonna be late for work. Sigh, good times.

4) Sex by music

Back in the day I used to pick out music specifically for a date night. Haven’t done that in a while, but there are a few songs that used to feature on my playlists that still bring back memories of back in the day. I can recall some Jill Scott, Beres Hammond and Bob Marley that remind me of some young loving high scores.

More recently a few songs have accidentally become memorable as they have featured as background music. A few VH1 Soul sessions come to mind fondly and even a few spins from RETV (google it).

This is a decidedly short list and please note that they are not listed in any particular order. Fyah family, what do you think? Tell me aboue any others I may have left out. Maybe yall will inspire some new memories.

Fyah Links – Kinky edition

 1) I state that I am sex positive in my bio. What does that mean? I come up with different definitions as I go but I really like this article on sex positivity and black women in particular. It definitely gave me a few talking points.   the-sex-positive-black-woman

2) That being said, I yearn to learn and try to try different things. I found this great resource for those of us that are adventurous and ish so-you-wanna-be-a-freak

3) Solo sexing is a safe, healthy, fun and sometimes very convenient way to get the juices flowing. I had grand plans of posting some fun solo sex link here but I couldn’t find any between all the redtube and xxxx sites Google was trying to get me to click.

Fyah fam, can you reccomend a good solo sex resource. I was this close to posting something from cosmo then I came to my senses 🙂


The fyah family came through in a big way and these comments warrant an update.

This certainly does make me smile.

This however, brings tears to my eyes. LELO


Great Sex or a Great Meal?

This was the question of the day on last week and it got me thinking.

Great sex or a good book?

Great sex or spending time with a close relative?

Great sex or a good movie?

Great sex or some quiet time to yourself?

According to TV and relationship blogs, if you are in a solid relationship, the sex is supposed to be great and it appears that you are supposed to enjoy that great sex as often as possible. We have all seen the pop culture scenes with two couples comparing the frequency of their sexcapades where one couple seems to always be DTF (down to fukc) and this makes the ‘once a week or so’ couple question their relationship.

I feel that everyone has their optimal level of sexual activity and this level probably changes depending on shit going on in their lives.  Not feeling well, tired, watching TV, reading  a book, got shit on my mind,  got work to do  and just don’t feel like should all be reasons for not wanting to get it in at any point in time. At the same time being tired or bored, inspired by a particular scene or situation in a book or movie may at another point in time call for some healing from your boo.

Are we comfortable in our relationships to share these thoughts with our partners? If you detect a change in your partners sex drive what would you think? Do you think there is an acceptable level of sexual activity in your relationship? Has this changed over time?

I hate to say it, really I do, but sex is often over-rated. Not that it isn’t enjoyable and can be special and exhilarating and relaxing and all the other fabulous adjectives you wanna insert here. But sex, great or not so great, can hold some mighty weighty expectations over our heads. While I do believe that sexual chemistry is a key ingredient to a good relationship, supposed god-forbid, you cannot have sex.  Illness, distance, busy schedules, many reasons may prevent that great sex from happening, what happens then?

I don’t think that if I decide to read a book, enjoy a good meal, chat on the phone with my brother or just cool and bubble by myself for an evening means that the sex isn’t great. I feel that a real relationship doesn’t need to prove itself all the time and sex often is a lone beacon in many a crappy ass relationship.

I would rather read a good book tonight, then  wake up to some great sex in the morning. Party with my sister friends this weekend and spend time with my guy during the week. Recognize that if you are in a happy and safe relationship, one that is vibrant and comfortingly predictable, there is no need to set up lose –lose situations where you need to choose between two of life’s joys. This may be one of those rare occasions where you can have your cake and eat it too, so cut a nice big slice and enjoy!.


Throwback… reasons not to drink

So late. I’ve had a rough week, still am not yet 100%.

In light of that I present a throwback.


reasons not to drink

Bear with me and theHIMYM references…The first time two characters who I liked individually kissed in HIMYM I thought, there’s another reason not to drink. What made the match so unappealing?
The basic answer: BARNEY! The number of STIs he must have acquired just by sheer numbers.  The only reason she could have possibly made that decision is because she was in a vulnerable position
1. her boyfriend just dumped her
2. she just realized that the man who dumped her is a loser
3. she was drunkNow I’m naturally vulnerable. Weak as can be. A big softy. Plushie. A push over when it comes to emotions, if you catch me in a weak spot I’m likely to make some foolish decisions another HIMYM reference-nothing good happens after 2am. Those files will however remain under lock and key. 🙂
If you don’t know me this may mean little to you, but if you do you might be thinking…. oh, so if I get her drunk she’ll pretty much do whatever I want. And you know you what, you’re probably pretty much right and that’s one of the many reasons I’m a teetotaler and try not to make decisions after 2am.:)

Wheat Crackers

I believe that people like what they like, there needn’t be a reason. Maturity and experience can sometimes curb an interest in a particular preference but unfortunately I cannot say that this has been the case for my romantic life.

Some of my friends say that I have a thing for a certain type of man. They use *very* misleading words like sly, dangerous, and rough where I would use words like interesting, courageous, focused and edgy. I have never been attracted to quiet or conservative men. I enjoy conversation, character and dynamism (think TJ Holmes and Stringer Bell from the Wire).

mmm mmm good


In all honesty, however, this dynamism and character hasn’t always served me well. I haven’t been in many relationships but I have had more than my share of talk show drama with these men. I have had many moments of reflection with alcohol my best girlfriends and on my own where I have pondered on why I let these things happen to me.

In one of those periods in between drama with one ex boyfriend or the other I decided that I would take responsibility. I decided that I needed to make up my mind to talk to a different kind of man. Maybe my friends where right, was I attracted to the wrong type of man? I decided it couldn’t hurt to test their theory.

My analogy was that I was literally hurting my heart with these men that didn’t act right. I needed to seek out more wholesome and heart healthy relations. I was gonna lay off the delicious but dangerous fried food men and get me a nice wheat crackers/carrot sticks man.

Nice? and Healthy

Wheat crackers man came in the form of a guy that I had a crush when I was a youngín. He was a few years older than me and I would sneak peeks at him when he was would walk past my house back in the old hood. I was definitely too shy and too young to talk to him back then but grown up Trendsettah decided to make a move.

He was game, maybe a little too game if I get really real. He was gung ho from real early, talking about future plans and trying to get all up in my space before I could really warm up to him. I had to give him a speech about calling me too often, showing up at my job, and generally crowding me. I called a conference with my girlfriends; I needed their counsel about whether I was being too hard on wheat crackers? Was I giving him a chance? Was I too jaded by too busy and sometimes unavailable men to not know what it was like to date someone who was attentive?

I decided to hold the faith, put some effort into getting to know him better. He was a really sweet man, with a loving generous spirit but he was just so predictable. I don’t want to say that he was boring I had to find to put in work to find something fascinating to talk about with him. He didn’t know my politics and that can cause some awkward moments but I was convinced that a grown ass man like him must have something interesting to talk about instead of trying waay too hard and saying all things he thought I wanted to hear.  Le Sigh.

The last straw came when (I think) he tried to make a move. We had been ‘talking’ for nearly 2 months and I had deftly resisted all physical contact outside of a hug. We had gone to a movie and afterwards he decided to make a detour to his house. This was a very bad idea on his behalf, with him already being on shaky ground, unilaterally deciding that I would want to go to his house at damn near midnight after the movies brought down the curtains on his little show. I really don’t care what his intentions were but I was not impressed. I refused to get out of the car until I was taken home and a few days later I told him that it would not work out. I just wasn’t interested.

coronary on a plate

Within a month after that I was back with ex boyfriend *sigh* *SIGH*

There are many ways I can look at this, maybe wheat crackers never stood a chance, maybe we weren’t compatible, maybe he was extremely boring, or maybe I needed to grow up, maybe.

This was a few years ago and I now feel that there is a happy medium, extremes have never been my thing and that episode made that clear to me. Dry wheat crackers are just as unappealing as deep fried fatty foods, and none of those choices would ever make me happy.

make love not porn

make love not porn was talk given at TED by Cindy Gallop which spawned a website: She created it in response to the somewhat incredulous reactions of men that no, she did not want them to cum (ejaculate) on her face. Watch the talk, you will not regret it.

Even if you don’t watch it, she proposes that po

rnography often makes women and men alike assume that those cinematic sex acts are not only typical for everyone but more dangerously, desired and enjoyed by everyone. This can and often does translate to violence against women as their negotiating power is stolen and lost. Negotiating power is stolen and/or lost when

  1. Partners assume instead of ask
  2. Partners make them seem immature, childish or prudish when they don’t want to do something for the first time, second, third or thirtieth time
  3. Partners don’t have these conversations

Even with partners we have known for a long time, whose rhythms with which we are well familiar initiating this conversation can be challenging. But as a reminder, we have a we right and should encourage ourselves to create and take the opportunity to negotiate the kind of sex we want and are comfortable with; and this should be a constant conversation as our wants and comforts will often change with time and experience.

My challenge to all of us:

  1. Recognise the violence you may be perpetuating by assuming your partners does/should/will like something
  2. Try to initiate these difficult conversations and not just with your partner but with other people that you know

Honest conversation about sex with others may help you realise that your likes and dislikes aren’t that strange. So when Jay Electronica asks at his not concert, “how many women like to be choked during sex?”* and your honest answer at that time in your life is:

  • no- resist the group think/mob mentality to scream. There may be someone there trying /anxious about talking to his/her partner to say that’s not what s/he wants or likes and your dissent may just help her/him feel a little more comfortable doing that
  • yes- scream your head off, b/c there might be someone there who feels too perverted/freaky to request that of their partner

Whatever your honest answer is though I urge you to not judge the answers of others b/c to be truly honest with yourself comes hand in hand with accepting that not everything is for everyone always.


*in most recent performances Jay Electronica (rapper who has been around for awhile and who has also recently signed to Roc Label) asks this apparently as part of a running bet between him, Nas and his dj (TJ). Read here for a wonderfully feminist perspective which problematises how and why he does this  with which I agree or you can just watch the video and forget the article.

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